My meltdown has subsided for now. I went to a friend's BBQ on-post which made me want to live on post more than ever. Come on 2 living rooms in army housing? I digress, it was nice to hang out with people. These friends are in another brigade so their husbands are sticking around for another year. The funny part? This is the neighbor that lived across the street from me at Benning whom I ignored up until the last possible minute of them moving out. Her husband kept reminding us of how much fun we could have been having there had we both not decided to be anti-social hermits. And their daughter is absolutely adorable. Apparently she used to come and visit Denny and Scout whenever they were chilling in the backyard.
Today I'm spending the day with another person I met briefly at Benning. I didn't make very many friends while I was there but apparently I made a heck of a lot of connections. She's still staying at a hotel so I'm going to join her for some pool time, then some sushi and outlet shopping. Her husband is also in another unit so he's sticking around but when they move into their place they'll only be 15 mins away from me.
Now if only I could find some people who have husbands who are deployed. I love that the other couples try to include me in activities but I just need someone I can call at anytime and just say hey, I'm having a rough day...wanna go to the beach? Of course this also requires said person to be a lady of leisure. There is a serious lack of those women!
Tomorrow is PWOC. I've seriously been waiting for a meeting since we got here. I'm a little afraid that my expectations are too high but I'm just gonna put myself out there and see what happens. I've never actually made a friend through PWOC before so here's hoping for the best.
And the news I'm holding my breath about? No, I'm not pregnant. Life would be too easy if I didn't have to be poked, prodded and cut open for that to happen. I submitted my resume for a possibly non-existent job about 2 months ago. And according to the website, my resume was selected for review a few days ago. There is one federal job that opened up on Friday. So it's a long shot. Personally I think my resume looks pretty dang impressive with my inpatient skills but all it takes is for one veteran to knock me out of the running. It's also not very impressive that I've been unemployed for a year. So please pray that I accept whatever the outcome is.
Now, time to clean my house so when my friend stops by she isn't scared away by my clutter!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Should I stay or should I go?
Everyone knows I've been having a really rough time here. It's only been a week since he left but I feel like it's been months. I finally left the house yesterday. I tried out Zumba and got some real food at the commissary. But all throughout Zumba I just kept thinking to myself...what am I doing here? I have no job, no family, no friends and no support system.
I've never been one to run home during deployments. I always figured, where ever you are that is where your life is now. I could understand going home with kids because it's nice to have babysitters who love your kids as much as you do and to have them spend some time with family. But I just don't know if I can make it here by myself.
The problem with going "home" is that it might not be an option either. I could easily go home and live with my parents but I don't have a NY license and therefore won't be able to work there. As much as I'd like to add 2 more licenses to my resume in a 2 year period and probably break the law because I can't remember which state I'm in, I'm going to have to pass. That leaves Colorado and Texas. I certainly wouldn't mind living in Colorado for a year. But it will be a pain in the butt to find a place that will allow the dogs and comes fully furnished. I probably won't be able to get a job on-post but I have my license there so it's not a big deal. Plus I still know people there.
Then there's Texas. I have a bunch friends there and a lot of their husbands are either deployed or deploying. One has already told me I can live with her until her hubby gets home. And my boss tells me I'm technically still employed. I've been on leave without pay for the past year and all I have to do is start working again.
I'm not even fully unpacked, the thought of moving again makes me sick. I know I need to give it time. I've just never been so miserable before and quite frankly it scares me. I've never felt this way before. I've stopped going to church. I can't even get myself to pray about it. I just need to know that at some point before 365 days passes, I'll feel normal again.
I don't know...I'm soo confused...
I've never been one to run home during deployments. I always figured, where ever you are that is where your life is now. I could understand going home with kids because it's nice to have babysitters who love your kids as much as you do and to have them spend some time with family. But I just don't know if I can make it here by myself.
The problem with going "home" is that it might not be an option either. I could easily go home and live with my parents but I don't have a NY license and therefore won't be able to work there. As much as I'd like to add 2 more licenses to my resume in a 2 year period and probably break the law because I can't remember which state I'm in, I'm going to have to pass. That leaves Colorado and Texas. I certainly wouldn't mind living in Colorado for a year. But it will be a pain in the butt to find a place that will allow the dogs and comes fully furnished. I probably won't be able to get a job on-post but I have my license there so it's not a big deal. Plus I still know people there.
Then there's Texas. I have a bunch friends there and a lot of their husbands are either deployed or deploying. One has already told me I can live with her until her hubby gets home. And my boss tells me I'm technically still employed. I've been on leave without pay for the past year and all I have to do is start working again.
I'm not even fully unpacked, the thought of moving again makes me sick. I know I need to give it time. I've just never been so miserable before and quite frankly it scares me. I've never felt this way before. I've stopped going to church. I can't even get myself to pray about it. I just need to know that at some point before 365 days passes, I'll feel normal again.
I don't know...I'm soo confused...
Monday, June 21, 2010
And it begins...again...
It's been a tough couple of days. I've had a really negative attitude since we got here and no matter how hard I try, I just can't turn it around. Now I'm just starting to get angry.
My day started with me getting lost on the way to the eye doctor. Then the eye doctor tells me that she has concerns about the amount of pressure in my eyes. Glaucoma runs on my mom's side of the family and I've actually had the pressure in my eye monitored since I was 16. Then she took some photos of the nerves behind my eyeballs and they are inflamed. So on top of my horrible vision that can almost no longer be corrected by contacts but also disqualifies me for lasik or prk, we're gonna add a glaucoma watch. It's not bad enough to need treatment yet but I have to go back in for a follow up to make sure it's not getting worse. Even with contacts and glasses the best my vision can be is 20/30.
I tried to run some errands afterwards but realized I couldn't drive with my eyes dilated. That made for a scary 20 minute drive home. I get home and notice there's dog poop on my front lawn...again. Everyday that we've been here I've had to pick up my dogs' poop in the backyard and someone else's dog's poop in the front. Our neighbor across the street always lets his little dog roam around my lawn with no leash. I've never seen him poop on our lawn but he certainly pees on every part of it he can. I'm pretty non-confrontational. I don't like to cause trouble. I don't like to make a big fuss but today was the wrong day to mess with me. So I look out the door and look who's on my lawn again. The old guy was sitting by his garage watching so I marched myself over there and asked him if he could clean up after his dog. He wasn't very friendly but he wasn't mean about it. He simply told me his dog never poops on my lawn and if he were to, he would pick it up. He said it's been a problem in the neighborhood. Someone on the street is letting their dogs out at night and in the morning there is poop everywhere including his lawn. I don't know if I believe him or not but at least I got it off my chest. Problem not solved...
I have also realized over the course of 2 weeks that we've been living here that we live on the hottest/driest part of the island. I break out in a sweat every day even if I do absolutely nothing. I have to water the lawn every day or it will die. The dogs are not allowed (even on leash) in any of the parks near us. And best of all...no one lives near me! I live where all the locals live. The locals who hate the military.
Does anyone know how much energy it takes to be this negative all the time? The plus side? I spend so much time and energy being bitter that I have no problems sleeping. How am I going to get through this year? And what kind of person will I be when it's all over?
My day started with me getting lost on the way to the eye doctor. Then the eye doctor tells me that she has concerns about the amount of pressure in my eyes. Glaucoma runs on my mom's side of the family and I've actually had the pressure in my eye monitored since I was 16. Then she took some photos of the nerves behind my eyeballs and they are inflamed. So on top of my horrible vision that can almost no longer be corrected by contacts but also disqualifies me for lasik or prk, we're gonna add a glaucoma watch. It's not bad enough to need treatment yet but I have to go back in for a follow up to make sure it's not getting worse. Even with contacts and glasses the best my vision can be is 20/30.
I tried to run some errands afterwards but realized I couldn't drive with my eyes dilated. That made for a scary 20 minute drive home. I get home and notice there's dog poop on my front lawn...again. Everyday that we've been here I've had to pick up my dogs' poop in the backyard and someone else's dog's poop in the front. Our neighbor across the street always lets his little dog roam around my lawn with no leash. I've never seen him poop on our lawn but he certainly pees on every part of it he can. I'm pretty non-confrontational. I don't like to cause trouble. I don't like to make a big fuss but today was the wrong day to mess with me. So I look out the door and look who's on my lawn again. The old guy was sitting by his garage watching so I marched myself over there and asked him if he could clean up after his dog. He wasn't very friendly but he wasn't mean about it. He simply told me his dog never poops on my lawn and if he were to, he would pick it up. He said it's been a problem in the neighborhood. Someone on the street is letting their dogs out at night and in the morning there is poop everywhere including his lawn. I don't know if I believe him or not but at least I got it off my chest. Problem not solved...
I have also realized over the course of 2 weeks that we've been living here that we live on the hottest/driest part of the island. I break out in a sweat every day even if I do absolutely nothing. I have to water the lawn every day or it will die. The dogs are not allowed (even on leash) in any of the parks near us. And best of all...no one lives near me! I live where all the locals live. The locals who hate the military.
Does anyone know how much energy it takes to be this negative all the time? The plus side? I spend so much time and energy being bitter that I have no problems sleeping. How am I going to get through this year? And what kind of person will I be when it's all over?
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
it's like the first time
Deployment that is. I remember the first deployment. Back when we were all so innocent, not knowing what to expect, and trying to find our way in the army world. But I had a great group of friends that helped me with each step of the way. God blessed me with another great group of friends for the second one. Now I just feel lost.
He leaves soon...too soon. We're still living in a hotel. Our stuff isn't here. All the people I knew that were going to experience this next deployment with me have been diverted. I have no FRG, no coffee. None of the people hubby works with are married. My neighborhood is made up of locals that don't understand the military life. I can't find a church that has people my age.
I feel like everything is crashing in on me and I can't breathe. I don't even understand the stupid structure of the unit we're with.
For now, I just have to enjoy the time we have...
He leaves soon...too soon. We're still living in a hotel. Our stuff isn't here. All the people I knew that were going to experience this next deployment with me have been diverted. I have no FRG, no coffee. None of the people hubby works with are married. My neighborhood is made up of locals that don't understand the military life. I can't find a church that has people my age.
I feel like everything is crashing in on me and I can't breathe. I don't even understand the stupid structure of the unit we're with.
For now, I just have to enjoy the time we have...
Thursday, May 20, 2010
To do list
I love making to do lists. Sometimes I write things on the list I've already done just so I can cross it off. Just makes me feel like I've accomplished something. So I've decided to make a to do list of things I'd like to accomplish during this next deployment. I always say I'm going to take up new hobbies or re-ignite my love for old ones but somehow the year always goes by with nothing done. I don't have a comprehensive list because I think of new things every day but here's a few things I've thought of.
1. Visit every farmers market on this island
2. Run at least one 5K and maybe even a 10K
3. Ride a wave on a surfboard at least once
4. Take the dogs on a hike at least once a month
5. Take a photography class
6. Visit every popular tourist attraction
That's all I can think of right now. These are all things that my other half pretty much has no interest in doing with me so it works out nicely. Anyone have any other ideas to add to my list? Now I just have to find someone who's willing to do this stuff with me....
1. Visit every farmers market on this island
2. Run at least one 5K and maybe even a 10K
3. Ride a wave on a surfboard at least once
4. Take the dogs on a hike at least once a month
5. Take a photography class
6. Visit every popular tourist attraction
That's all I can think of right now. These are all things that my other half pretty much has no interest in doing with me so it works out nicely. Anyone have any other ideas to add to my list? Now I just have to find someone who's willing to do this stuff with me....
Monday, May 17, 2010
torch party anyone?
Yup, it's that time again! The time for my husband to abandon me and leave 3-4 weeks before anyone else does. The date our stuff arrives on the island is only 7 days away from the date he's supposed to leave. I just hope the movers can get us our stuff before he leaves so he can at least pick out the stuff I'll have to send him.
We spent the first half of the weekend enjoying ourselves and the second half preparing for the upcoming departure. We got to go boogie boarding. The beach right by our house rents them out for $1/hour. I found out that boogie boarding makes me slightly nauseated and I'm too out of shape to be doing it! It was sooo tiring. It was a rush when I was able to catch one wave out of hundreds that I missed but I definitely need to start working out if I want to get out there again. We're going to try surfing next weekend. That should be interesting.
Got our Costco membership yesterday. We were able to save $50 with the coupon book they gave us but spent many more dollars on all the stuff we ended up getting. I'm happy with my $150 underwater camera. Won't be the best camera I ever own but I can bring it snorkeling with me. The sad part is, we didn't even buy any food. It was just the basic cleaning supplies you need to get a household started.
We haven't moved into the house yet but we were able to do all our laundry there yesterday. Unfortunately, the water heater sprang a leak and there was water everywhere when we got home from shopping. The management company hasn't returned any of my calls so we'll have to see how long this lease lasts for. The dogs were able to romp around in the yard as we shopped. I'm pretty sure they felt like they had been abandoned. The funny part is that they seem to have issues doing their business in new places. When we moved from Texas to Georgia they held it for a day because they didn't want to go in the hotel parking lot. As soon as we let them out of the backyard, they ran to the front to find a place to relieve themselves. When we got back to our hotel (which I'm pretty sure they consider home now), they ran out to potty like they hadn't gone in days.
Today has been a fun day of trying to get the water heater fixed, trying to find out where our car title was mailed and why I was charged $52 for a $15 lunch I had last week. And re-typing this post because there was an error and half of it was deleted.... Weekend please!
We spent the first half of the weekend enjoying ourselves and the second half preparing for the upcoming departure. We got to go boogie boarding. The beach right by our house rents them out for $1/hour. I found out that boogie boarding makes me slightly nauseated and I'm too out of shape to be doing it! It was sooo tiring. It was a rush when I was able to catch one wave out of hundreds that I missed but I definitely need to start working out if I want to get out there again. We're going to try surfing next weekend. That should be interesting.
Got our Costco membership yesterday. We were able to save $50 with the coupon book they gave us but spent many more dollars on all the stuff we ended up getting. I'm happy with my $150 underwater camera. Won't be the best camera I ever own but I can bring it snorkeling with me. The sad part is, we didn't even buy any food. It was just the basic cleaning supplies you need to get a household started.
We haven't moved into the house yet but we were able to do all our laundry there yesterday. Unfortunately, the water heater sprang a leak and there was water everywhere when we got home from shopping. The management company hasn't returned any of my calls so we'll have to see how long this lease lasts for. The dogs were able to romp around in the yard as we shopped. I'm pretty sure they felt like they had been abandoned. The funny part is that they seem to have issues doing their business in new places. When we moved from Texas to Georgia they held it for a day because they didn't want to go in the hotel parking lot. As soon as we let them out of the backyard, they ran to the front to find a place to relieve themselves. When we got back to our hotel (which I'm pretty sure they consider home now), they ran out to potty like they hadn't gone in days.
Today has been a fun day of trying to get the water heater fixed, trying to find out where our car title was mailed and why I was charged $52 for a $15 lunch I had last week. And re-typing this post because there was an error and half of it was deleted.... Weekend please!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
hula girls, farmers markets, and snorkeling!
We tried out the church by our soon to be home on Sunday. The people there were really nice. A little awkward because everyone was a hugger but very warm and welcoming. For mother's day instead of mother's wearing corsages, they were presented with leis. I didn't see many people our age but I might try out a women's Bible study next week when I live a little closer and might be able to hitch a ride. We even had a young girl do a beautiful hula dance during service. Made me wish I had a daughter who could learn to hula. Mother's day is becoming a little bittersweet as I start to question whether or not I'll ever experience motherhood.
After church, we checked out a farmers market on North Shore. We only had a little bit of time before it closed so we had just enough time for me to get an awesome banana, strawberry and nutella crepe made by French men. Tim opted for the raw sugar cane...it was gross. Grabbed some lunch and headed to the beach for some snorkeling. We only had our regular swim goggles so we swam around, saw some fishes and swam with the turtles. Later on our friends let us borrow their gear and we got to go out again for round 2.
We stopped at a beach where sea turtles are known to rest and sun bathe. There was only one on the beach that day but it was neat to see it up close. There are volunteers there that rope off the area around a turtle so that people don't get too close and don't touch or disturb the turtles. Oddly enough, I didn't have my camera on me.
We finished off the day with a stop at Matsumoto's for some shave ice. Ice cream topped with azuki beans topped with a snow cone...could have added some condensed milk on top but decided to save that for next time. It was a delicious end to a wonderful day.
On Monday, Marissa took me to check out another beach. This one was nice and wavy. We got to jump off the rocks and float around on our noodles. Then as we laid out on the beach, these guys started singing and playing the ukelele. What a wonderful way to spend a Monday!
Now it's back to real life trying to get everything settled!
After church, we checked out a farmers market on North Shore. We only had a little bit of time before it closed so we had just enough time for me to get an awesome banana, strawberry and nutella crepe made by French men. Tim opted for the raw sugar cane...it was gross. Grabbed some lunch and headed to the beach for some snorkeling. We only had our regular swim goggles so we swam around, saw some fishes and swam with the turtles. Later on our friends let us borrow their gear and we got to go out again for round 2.
We stopped at a beach where sea turtles are known to rest and sun bathe. There was only one on the beach that day but it was neat to see it up close. There are volunteers there that rope off the area around a turtle so that people don't get too close and don't touch or disturb the turtles. Oddly enough, I didn't have my camera on me.
We finished off the day with a stop at Matsumoto's for some shave ice. Ice cream topped with azuki beans topped with a snow cone...could have added some condensed milk on top but decided to save that for next time. It was a delicious end to a wonderful day.
On Monday, Marissa took me to check out another beach. This one was nice and wavy. We got to jump off the rocks and float around on our noodles. Then as we laid out on the beach, these guys started singing and playing the ukelele. What a wonderful way to spend a Monday!
Now it's back to real life trying to get everything settled!
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