holding my breath...

My meltdown has subsided for now. I went to a friend's BBQ on-post which made me want to live on post more than ever. Come on 2 living rooms in army housing? I digress, it was nice to hang out with people. These friends are in another brigade so their husbands are sticking around for another year. The funny part? This is the neighbor that lived across the street from me at Benning whom I ignored up until the last possible minute of them moving out. Her husband kept reminding us of how much fun we could have been having there had we both not decided to be anti-social hermits. And their daughter is absolutely adorable. Apparently she used to come and visit Denny and Scout whenever they were chilling in the backyard.

Today I'm spending the day with another person I met briefly at Benning. I didn't make very many friends while I was there but apparently I made a heck of a lot of connections. She's still staying at a hotel so I'm going to join her for some pool time, then some sushi and outlet shopping. Her husband is also in another unit so he's sticking around but when they move into their place they'll only be 15 mins away from me.

Now if only I could find some people who have husbands who are deployed. I love that the other couples try to include me in activities but I just need someone I can call at anytime and just say hey, I'm having a rough day...wanna go to the beach? Of course this also requires said person to be a lady of leisure. There is a serious lack of those women!

Tomorrow is PWOC. I've seriously been waiting for a meeting since we got here. I'm a little afraid that my expectations are too high but I'm just gonna put myself out there and see what happens. I've never actually made a friend through PWOC before so here's hoping for the best.

And the news I'm holding my breath about? No, I'm not pregnant. Life would be too easy if I didn't have to be poked, prodded and cut open for that to happen. I submitted my resume for a possibly non-existent job about 2 months ago. And according to the website, my resume was selected for review a few days ago. There is one federal job that opened up on Friday. So it's a long shot. Personally I think my resume looks pretty dang impressive with my inpatient skills but all it takes is for one veteran to knock me out of the running. It's also not very impressive that I've been unemployed for a year. So please pray that I accept whatever the outcome is.

Now, time to clean my house so when my friend stops by she isn't scared away by my clutter!

Should I stay or should I go?

Everyone knows I've been having a really rough time here. It's only been a week since he left but I feel like it's been months. I finally left the house yesterday. I tried out Zumba and got some real food at the commissary. But all throughout Zumba I just kept thinking to myself...what am I doing here? I have no job, no family, no friends and no support system.

I've never been one to run home during deployments. I always figured, where ever you are that is where your life is now. I could understand going home with kids because it's nice to have babysitters who love your kids as much as you do and to have them spend some time with family. But I just don't know if I can make it here by myself.

The problem with going "home" is that it might not be an option either. I could easily go home and live with my parents but I don't have a NY license and therefore won't be able to work there. As much as I'd like to add 2 more licenses to my resume in a 2 year period and probably break the law because I can't remember which state I'm in, I'm going to have to pass. That leaves Colorado and Texas. I certainly wouldn't mind living in Colorado for a year. But it will be a pain in the butt to find a place that will allow the dogs and comes fully furnished. I probably won't be able to get a job on-post but I have my license there so it's not a big deal. Plus I still know people there.

Then there's Texas. I have a bunch friends there and a lot of their husbands are either deployed or deploying. One has already told me I can live with her until her hubby gets home. And my boss tells me I'm technically still employed. I've been on leave without pay for the past year and all I have to do is start working again.

I'm not even fully unpacked, the thought of moving again makes me sick. I know I need to give it time. I've just never been so miserable before and quite frankly it scares me. I've never felt this way before. I've stopped going to church. I can't even get myself to pray about it. I just need to know that at some point before 365 days passes, I'll feel normal again.

I don't know...I'm soo confused...

And it begins...again...

It's been a tough couple of days. I've had a really negative attitude since we got here and no matter how hard I try, I just can't turn it around. Now I'm just starting to get angry.

My day started with me getting lost on the way to the eye doctor. Then the eye doctor tells me that she has concerns about the amount of pressure in my eyes. Glaucoma runs on my mom's side of the family and I've actually had the pressure in my eye monitored since I was 16. Then she took some photos of the nerves behind my eyeballs and they are inflamed. So on top of my horrible vision that can almost no longer be corrected by contacts but also disqualifies me for lasik or prk, we're gonna add a glaucoma watch. It's not bad enough to need treatment yet but I have to go back in for a follow up to make sure it's not getting worse. Even with contacts and glasses the best my vision can be is 20/30.

I tried to run some errands afterwards but realized I couldn't drive with my eyes dilated. That made for a scary 20 minute drive home. I get home and notice there's dog poop on my front lawn...again. Everyday that we've been here I've had to pick up my dogs' poop in the backyard and someone else's dog's poop in the front. Our neighbor across the street always lets his little dog roam around my lawn with no leash. I've never seen him poop on our lawn but he certainly pees on every part of it he can. I'm pretty non-confrontational. I don't like to cause trouble. I don't like to make a big fuss but today was the wrong day to mess with me. So I look out the door and look who's on my lawn again. The old guy was sitting by his garage watching so I marched myself over there and asked him if he could clean up after his dog. He wasn't very friendly but he wasn't mean about it. He simply told me his dog never poops on my lawn and if he were to, he would pick it up. He said it's been a problem in the neighborhood. Someone on the street is letting their dogs out at night and in the morning there is poop everywhere including his lawn. I don't know if I believe him or not but at least I got it off my chest. Problem not solved...

I have also realized over the course of 2 weeks that we've been living here that we live on the hottest/driest part of the island. I break out in a sweat every day even if I do absolutely nothing. I have to water the lawn every day or it will die. The dogs are not allowed (even on leash) in any of the parks near us. And best of all...no one lives near me! I live where all the locals live. The locals who hate the military.

Does anyone know how much energy it takes to be this negative all the time? The plus side? I spend so much time and energy being bitter that I have no problems sleeping. How am I going to get through this year? And what kind of person will I be when it's all over?

it's like the first time

Deployment that is. I remember the first deployment. Back when we were all so innocent, not knowing what to expect, and trying to find our way in the army world. But I had a great group of friends that helped me with each step of the way. God blessed me with another great group of friends for the second one. Now I just feel lost.

He leaves soon...too soon. We're still living in a hotel. Our stuff isn't here. All the people I knew that were going to experience this next deployment with me have been diverted. I have no FRG, no coffee. None of the people hubby works with are married. My neighborhood is made up of locals that don't understand the military life. I can't find a church that has people my age.

I feel like everything is crashing in on me and I can't breathe. I don't even understand the stupid structure of the unit we're with.

For now, I just have to enjoy the time we have...