A time of reflection...

It's been kind of a rough week for me. My cousin passed away a few days ago and it has me stuck in a tunnel of emotions. She was a distant cousin, who was quite a bit older than me. Honestly, we were never close. She tormented me when I was little with comments about my weight, acne, and just about anything you can make a young girl cry with. She wasn't trying to be mean. It's just the Chinese way.

She was one of those people that I saw almost every time I went home, usually at some kind of family function. I had no idea she had beaten cancer once only for it to come back. She and her husband have 2 daughters. One of the girls is a senior in high school and her older sister is a freshman in college. Not that there's ever a good time, but what an absolutely awful time to lose your mom.

It brings back a flood of memories for me. That's about the age that I found out my mom had cancer. I was away at college and my family was able to hide it from me for a few months. They finally decided to tell me because they figured I'd notice that mom had no hair when I came home for Christmas break. They even tried to convince me that it wasn't cancer, they were just trying to treat her condition aggressively with chemotherapy. Going back to school after that break was really hard. But God decided that it wasn't her time to go. I can't imagine what those girls are going through.

Then I thought about my uncle. He passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack in his 40's also about this time 10 years ago. I remember I took a break from my finals to go to his funeral. He has 3 beautiful girls and a handsome boy. They adored him and things were difficult without him. I think it's part of the reason my cousin has put off marrying her boyfriend of 12 years.

I don't think my cousin's family believes in God at all but I just hope they can still feel his comfort through their anger and sadness. I don't know how you get through these times without God. I hope those girls remember and cherish every single one of their memories of their mom, even when she was yelling at them to only drink skim milk so they don't get fat. It's funny, when I was younger I took a lot of offense to what she said to me. Now I know it was her way of showing love and concern. Please pray for the Chung family.

A Final Ultimatum

It seems my laziness and lack of motivation has been spiraling out of control. I can't seem to get the little things done let alone the big things that are really taking it's toll on us. So I was offered a final ultimatum. Shape up or I'm canceling the cable and internet!

My immediate response was to defend myself. When I found that I didn't have a leg to stand on, I decided to go with the silent treatment. Five minutes later I had to admit, he might be right. Ok, this might be the kick in the pants I've been needing. Sad, that we have to start with that as my motivation instead of the fact that if I actually did "my job" there would be a lot less stress for us.

So I told him to give me until the week after Thanksgiving. This week I am hosting 12 people at our house for Thanksgiving and no matter how motivated I am, there is no way I can prep for that and get to my huge "to do" list.

Along with canceling the cable and internet, he also wants to get rid of the XBox because he feels like he would also benefit from less idle time. That makes me feel really bad because he works at least 14 hours a day and goes in on most weekends so he definitely deserves that hour a day to just relax.

So now I just have to get through this week and organize a plan of attack for next week. This is definitely a good thing because I don't think I have any inward motivation. Time to turn things around!

Rain, rain, go away...

I know no one has any pity for me. It's been raining for a week now but I still live in Hawaii and I'm still wearing shorts and flip flops. But it's just really dragging me down. When we lived in Kapolei, it hardly ever rained. In fact, you prayed for rain because it was so hot and dry. Now, it rains every single morning and for the past week it's been raining throughout the day as well. It's just so dreary outside. The dogs are going crazy and every time they go outside to potty I have to mop the floors...again.

And I miss the change of seasons. It has snowed at least once every where we've ever lived. It's great not to have to change your clothes out or freeze your butt off for a whole season but I don't like that I have to blast the air conditioner to truly enjoy some soup or stew.

Maybe I'm just losing it. I've become a bit of a hermit since we moved on post. I told myself I'd go to the gym classes all the time but I've only been once in the past 2 months. I stopped walking the dogs because I hate walking in the rain by myself and then smelling like wet dog for the rest of the day. We're closer to the commissary than we've ever been before and it's a battle just to get groceries every week.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving. We're having it at our house this year. But as it gets closer I'm starting to get a little stressed out because I realize how much there is to do and how lazy I've gotten. We're not even fully unpacked yet.

Hopefully the sun will come out soon and this mood will pass. Surf competitions start this weekend which I'm pretty excited about. I just need to get out of this house!

A long overdue post.

Wow it's been a while. I am a horrible blogger even though I stalk everyone else's blog on a daily basis hoping they've updated. On a day to day basis I feel like there's not much going on with me but when I realize how long it's been since I last posted, there's been a ton of new stuff.

I can't believe my husband's been home for 4 months now. It's been great having him home but I have had to make a few adjustments. The hardest thing for me so far...deciding what to make for dinner. After a year of living by yourself, you get used to eating whatever and whenever you want. If I planned a meal and just didn't feel like making it, cereal was alway a suitable option. Unfortunately my husband doesn't have that same love for cereal or random snacks. He also wants to eat healthier which rules out a lot of my cheesy/creamy dishes...the best kind in my opinion. He also thinks I spend way too much time and energy trying to make dinner. He can just throw stuff in a pot and make it taste good...I can't!

The next big adjustment, sleeping arrangements. I always get used to sleeping in the middle of the bed during deployments. It's hard for me to stick to one side of the bed for the whole night. We moved on post about a month ago and now things are even more wonky because we ended up switching sides. Every night he tries to push me off the bed. I think he's trying to get back to his side. I offered to switch back but he doesn't want to. Hopefully we resolve this soon because we're both exhausted from trying to eject each other from the bed every night.

So we're on post now. I put our names on the list in March and we came up for a house in June. We decided not to take that house since it was redeployment month and my in-laws were coming in July. We got another call in July for an opening in September. We decided we would just stay put. We don't know where we'll be 6 months from and an extra move just seemed unappealing to both of us. Right before I was supposed to decline the house and a few late night phone calls and trips to post in the middle of the night later, it was decided at least at this point in his career it is best for us to be as close to the MP station, I mean post, as possible.

In September we made the move and it was definitely a wise decision. Instead of a 30-60 min drive to post (depending on traffic), we live 2 miles from his office. I've been able to bring him dinner on late nights and taking care of problems is not nearly as time-consuming. I started hula lessons which was very short lived. I am not coordinated enough to move my hands and feet in opposite directions at the same time. I've been taking ukelele lessons for the past 5 weeks. Cooking classes are offered at our community center twice a month. This Saturday I'll be starting basic cake decorating. I'm hoping to do hand quilting in the spring. I'm back to my plethora of useless activities.

I've resigned myself to the fact that despite my struggles to get my Hawaii pharmacy license, I will probably never use it. It's been much harder to find job openings than I thought it would be. I was thinking I could always work for a temp agency or find something part-time but apparently no one wants me. That's fine...I'll just enjoy the rest of my time in Hawaii.

I started the Bible study "The Excellent Wife" at PWOC. Notice, it's not the excellent housewife. It's been a really good study. Although I don't necessarily agree with everything she says, for the most part it's been pretty eye opening. Over the course of 2 months I learned that I'm a horrible wife. I've also learned that my husband is a wonderful husband. Stings a little to have to admit that he's better than me but it's true and it's something I have to work on. When I hear the complaints of other women, I realize how lucky I am and how considerate he actually is. Then I realized that over the course of our marriage I've become more selfish and less considerate of him. Whenever I get aggravated with him the first thought that comes to my mind is that he takes me for granted. In reality, I'm the one who takes him for granted. I'll probably never be an excellent wife but at least I can strive to be a more Godly one.

The dogs are doing great in their new home. They have dog friends that come over every day to see if they want to come out and play. Unfortunately we also have a few neighborhood kids that will aim their bows and arrows at them if they think I'm not looking. I'm glad that they're all supposed to be supervised by their parents so the minute any of their "toys" make contact with my dogs, I can call the MP's. And they actually come and drag the kids back to their houses.

That's about all the updates I have. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Even though I miss my family a lot, at least I get to have my husband home this year!

Feeling like a human being again!

I no longer feel like I'm on house arrest. This week was the beginning of getting back into a routine. I got a little depressed last week when the doctor felt like my nerve pain might be permanent. I tried a new med and I think it's actually working. I don't feel so much pain as I do tingling and irritation. I'm no longer a druggie!

I started running(slow jogging) again. I'm sad because I was up to 5 miles and now I'm down to 1.5 miles. I have to get up to 8 in a month. I wanted to run the full 8 miles but I guess I can walk some of it if I have to. I'm trying to get into the routine of walking the dogs. I love my dogs but I hate walking them. They drive me insane when they know it's time for a walk. Then they go nuts when I try to put their leashes on. And now they know where every dog in our neighborhood lives and want to visit all of them...even the growling pitbulls. So I'm trying to walk them at least a mile a day and then running Scout a mile 3 times a week. It would be so much easier if they were good dogs and I could just bring them on my runs.

We had a brigade function to signify the half-way mark last week. Part of this was the Biggest Loser Contest....just within our brigade of course. I didn't sign up for the competition but I did take their health assessment. My weight was actually lower than I've seen it in a while since I lost so much muscle weight while I was sick. Blood pressure good. Resting heart rate good. Then we did the "how much fat are you carrying around" test. He did the measurement and it was a little higher than I expected but still within normal limits. He tells me that I'm still within the average. Then he asked me if I was happy with just being within the average or if maybe I thought I could lose some weight. "We" decided I could lose about 8 lbs which turned into 10 lbs this week...what can I say, I love my food! Hopefully once I get back into running I won't have to change too much. I might have to pick up some healthy snacks this week.

Well this led me to weighing Scout. Since we moved here I've had 3 vets tell me that she's overweight. I could tell she was overweight but it didn't seem too bad. I tried 2 kinds of diet foods, both of which she was allergic to. I knew I needed to exercise both of them more but let's face it...I'm a little lazy. I can't even use the excuse that I'm busy anymore. I'm just plain lazy. While I was looking for pictures to put in our Christmas card, I ran across pictures of Scout when we first got here and she was already a little overweight. Ok...my baby girl got fat! I weighed her on the scale...let's just say she's supposed to be 55 lbs. She was 75 lbs! I felt awful that I let her get so out of shape. I cut back her food months ago but that hasn't made a difference instead she eats grass, flowers, garbage, anything she can get into. So the plan is to walk them every day, run her 3 times a week and bring them on a hike at least once a month. Hopefully we'll both reach our goal.

I also got to go surfing last week. It was awesome! I was a little scared at first because it's been almost 2 months and the waves were bigger than I've ever surfed on. Still really really small but looked ginormous to me. Usually I can stay out for 1.5 hours before taking a break. I returned my board after 40 minutes. I was a little embarrassed. The rental guys was like "seriously? you didn't even have it out for an hour!" Hopefully I can build those muscles back up as well.

My next milestone...Shiggy should be home for R&R in just over a month. It that isn't motivation to get my butt in gear, I don't know what is. Now if I could just get my act together...

All better yet the pain lingers...

Well I'm done with the shingles. The active part at least. Unfortunately the pain has chosen to remain. It didn't seem so bad at first, just a little annoying. But then my first night without pain meds began and it was awful. I didn't ask my doctor for any meds yesterday because it didn't seem like they were working anyways. Boy was I wrong. They may not have alleviated the pain completely but apparently dulled the pain down to a tolerable point i.e. sleeping 2 hours at a time instead of 15 mins at a time. I felt like a druggie calling the doctor to try to refill my prescription only to be treated like a druggie by the receptionist who obviously did not believe I was in pain. It didn't matter, the doctor's not in today anyways.

We're giving a new drug a try but it'll be 2 weeks before I can tell if it's working or not. If not I get to go see a neurologist. Too soon to tell if this is temporary or will be permanent. The worse part is that Shiggy comes home for R&R soon and I have to decide if I can tolerate being off the meds for a month for the chance at getting pregnant or if we should just wait.

My running has come to a halt. I'm supposed to be doing an 8 mile run in February but since I can't even walk the dogs without pain, I'm not sure how the running is gonna go. I might try it out tonight and just try to work through it. There's also no point in me buying a surf board anymore. It's getting very depressing around here. My friend volunteered to throw me a birthday party but she was a little sad by my lack of enthusiasm. I don't mind getting older, but every birthday is becoming a reminder of each year we've been trying to conceive. If you don't include deployments it will be 2, if you include the deployments it's 3.5.

For now I'm just going to concentrate on studying for the boards and slowly getting the house together. I'm not as bad off as I make it seem. I'm just mentally and physically exhausted and ready for a change.

Nothing but time on my hands!

This has been an interesting week. It started out with a 4.5 mile run on Sunday which resulted in chafing under my arms. Apparently I don't have proper arm placement when I run. I took what I thought would be the most painful shower of my life. I don't know if you've ever tried to wash your hair without getting your arms wet...it's just not possible...

On Monday, I went on a 2 hour hike that turned into a 3-3.5 hour hike when we lost a dog. We ended up having to leave the dog behind. Luckily he was quickly found and returned to his owner by the next day. But the stress of that day might very well be the reason for the following days.

Tuesday was another run day. It was just a 2.5 mile run and I was able to keep my arms out the whole time. But for some reason on Wednesday I started getting that prickly sensation of chafing again but with no rash. I thought maybe I had brushed up against a poisonous plant during the hike. The pain got worse on Thursday. Then I started getting chest pains and shooting pains down my left arm. I tried heart burn medication, asthma medication, and motrin. I even tried to make my house presentable just in case I had to call 911 in the middle of the night.

I woke up on Friday morning with the same pain but a little more intense and had a panic attack. I don't know what happened but before I knew it, I was crying and couldn't catch my breath. I was able to calm myself down and had to wait for the doctor's office to open. He checked for heart problems and muscle involvement. Then we found the rash. A tiny rash the size of a dime under my arm that looked exactly like the chafing I had earlier in the week. That's when he tentatively diagnosed me with shingles. I was skeptical at first but over the course of the day the burning sensation spread and got worse. Now the rash has spread across the left side of my chest. I guess the nerve fibers involved are the ones that stretch over my heart and go down my arm. So every time the pain flairs up it feels like I'm having a heart attack. And I thought I wasn't getting any Christmas presents this year...

I had to cancel all my plans for the week and it looks like I'm going to have a lot of time to myself. Other than the burning pain, I'm perfectly fine but the doctor doesn't want me to do any kind of physical activity for at least a week. I'm also self-quarantining myself. Although shingles is not contagious, there's a very slim chance I could pass the chicken pox virus onto people who have never had it before. I would feel awful if I gave a baby chicken pox.

So for now I'm just stuck at home with burning sensations that come and go as they please. Here's to the pain subsiding for long enough for me to do anything productive!