Sometimes you're just amazed.

A few days after I wrote my last post, I went to PWOC and almost started laughing. We've been doing a Beth Moore study. For the first few weeks I didn't feel like any of it pertained to me. Slowly as the weeks went by, little things would pop up and make me think. But this last week was written just for me.


The study is about the Psalms of Ascent and taking the next step in your journey. The last session was titled My Hope Is in the Lord. It was about being effective to fellow travellers on the path. It reminds you to forgive one another, encourage each other and to love deeply. Then she said, if you can't love deeply you're going to say "fine" to everyone who asks you "How are you?" Then she asks if anyone has ever done that before. It just reminded me that while I struggle on my journey I need to make sure I take a quick glance around to make sure no one else is stranded.


I had the chance to experience some more Hawaiian adventures this past week. Took a break from the snorkeling and boogie boarding. This past weekend we headed out to find the Black Pearl from Pirates of the Carribean. They've been filming here and on one of the other islands. The ship has slowly made it around the island and they just wrapped up the filming on Sunday. Unfortunately, I was not enough of a fan to wait there all day to catch a glimpse of Johnny Depp. But we met many people who were able to shake his hand, take pictures and have conversations with him. I guess he's a pretty good guy. Got some pictures of the ship. They were doing stunt work and smaller scenes when we got there. I thought it was pretty neat!

Sunday was supposed to be a stay at home and do everything you've been putting off kind of day. Instead I left my house at 8:45AM and came home at 11PM. I've been going up to North Shore to partake in the farmer's market every Sunday after church. This week is a short week where minimal groceries are needed so I decided not to go. But a friend enticed me with promises of laying out on her "private beach" (it's not nearly as private as she thinks it is). So we went to the market, grabbed lunch and laid out on the beach. I tried to swim a little but the water made me shiver. A few hours later, some of the girls had to leave and we started talking about hiking. My goal is to do one new hike a month and try to visit as many beaches on the island as I can. Jennifer told me she'd be glad to join my adventure club. Then she told me about this hike she did with her husband while looking for fresh dirt for his garden. The more she told me, the more excited about it she got. At about 5PM we decided we should just go for it. So I threw on a pair of her shorts and a pair of sneakers one and a half sizes too big and started off.

What she failed to inform me was that you had to go off-roading to get to the start of the trail. I envisioned driving over to a trailhead, walking up, taking pictures and coming back down in time for dinner. What I got was much more adventurous and I had a blast. We did about 20 mins of off-roading which was approximately 1.5 miles. It made it crazier that she just learned how to drive stick! We walked up the easy part of the trail, saw a gorgeous view of the ocean and mountains and realized that we weren't satisfied. We climbed up some rocks made it to several old bunkers and then I found out I am terrified of heights. As the wind blew and an airplane flew next to us, I started to panic a little. Going up was much easier than going back down.

I lost my inhaler, but it's not a good hike unless you loose something important. At least this time I made it to the top. We could have gone up further but daylight was fading fast and off-roading in the dark with the ocean next to you is probably not a good idea. We ran back to the Jeep and got out as the sun was setting. We would have made the perfect Jeep commerical!

Today I hurt and have tons of chores to do but I had to get one last adventure in before heading back to the mainland for a few days. I get to see my entire family (parents, brothers, sister-in laws, nieces and nephews) in a few more days. I'm just sad Tim won't be there. It's going to be an exhausting vacation but I will probably fill up my story books for the year.

I'm good...

For the first time since we moved here, I feel good. Most days I wake up with a crappy attitude and hope that I snap out of it. Last week at PWOC the topic was how has God been good to you. I honestly could not think of a single thing. Everyone was soo happy talking about the topic and going on and on and all I wanted to do was move onto the next topic. It's not that God hasn't been good to me. It's just that I've been soo caught up in myself and my own misery that I couldn't see past that.


Before I got here whenever someone asked how I was...I would say good. If I was questioned further because I looked like I hadn't showered or slept in days, I'd just say I was tired. Ever since we got here I've been overly honest. I think people got sick of asking me how I was because I would just dump on them. But today I woke up thinking...you know what God is good and he's blessed me with soo many things. Things won't always go my way but like a loving, patient parent....He lets me have my tantrums and hopes I learn something afterwards.


It's kind of weird. Today is no different than any other day. It's not like some miracle happened or my prayers have been answered. Although I know people have been praying for me, so if you've been praying for me...I'm here to tell you that this is God's answer.


I've been going to church and Bible studies thinking I'm not getting anything out of them! Why am I here? But I continued to go knowing that not attending could only make things worse. Suddenly, I'm sick of being selfish and only thinking of myself. I enjoy fellowship and am always on the lookout for someone who might be going through what I just went through.

So for right now, I'm good....I really am! Maybe I'll even start posting pictures on this thing or something. Ok, I won't get ahead of myself.

Sick of being a second-line friend....

Not all friendships are established the same. They simply can't be! But lately I've been getting so sick of being a second or third-line friend. You know, the ones you call when all your good friends are busy. I can't say I have many second or third line friends. I have friends that I hang out with every day, once a week, once a month because that's what works for us. Heck, I talk to my best friend once a year and see her once every 2 years but she's still my best friend! But I need a go to person here. A person I can call at any time of the day and know they won't get mad. Someone whom I can just drop by on unannounced and know that they'll let me in their house even if it looks like a natural disaster occurred in it. I've got a bunch of those across the country but none here.

I have made some wonderful friends who's husbands are not deployed. But they actually have lives. They still look forward to weekends. I miss having days to look forward to. I didn't submit my spouse preference paperwork before submitting my resume so that throws me further down on the list of qualified applicants. Still haven't heard anything from them but if the 25th comes and goes that means the job is gone.

I went to a new Bible study on Wednesday. It seems promising although to be honest...I'm not much for studying the Bible these days. The ladies there were just so supportive of one another and it also reminded me that my issues are so trivial to other people's. It's funny because I guess I still think I'm 22. I've noticed that whenever I meet a group of people that are my age, my first thoughts are...these ladies are great but they're so much older than me. Then I find out that a lot of time, I'm one of the oldest ones there! I'm going to start lying about my age. My range will be 22 to 35...I just want to see which end of the spectrum is more believable.

It's been a month and my house is still a mess. It's in that stage where you can't tell if the person is moving in or moving out. I debate every day about whether or not I should move on post. The grass is always greener.... I just don't want to work myself up thinking that will solve all my problems. I did discover while making eggplant parmesan that along with not having a clock/timer on my oven, there is also no way to know when the oven is pre-heated. This is a brand new oven...I didn't know that was possible! Kind of sad that it took me 30 days to realize that...

I can't claim that my life is all that bad. After all, today is a beach day. Time to go lay out in the sun with a mediocre book (I've started reading the Shopaholic series). I've decided that every week requires at least one good beach day!

holding my breath...

My meltdown has subsided for now. I went to a friend's BBQ on-post which made me want to live on post more than ever. Come on 2 living rooms in army housing? I digress, it was nice to hang out with people. These friends are in another brigade so their husbands are sticking around for another year. The funny part? This is the neighbor that lived across the street from me at Benning whom I ignored up until the last possible minute of them moving out. Her husband kept reminding us of how much fun we could have been having there had we both not decided to be anti-social hermits. And their daughter is absolutely adorable. Apparently she used to come and visit Denny and Scout whenever they were chilling in the backyard.

Today I'm spending the day with another person I met briefly at Benning. I didn't make very many friends while I was there but apparently I made a heck of a lot of connections. She's still staying at a hotel so I'm going to join her for some pool time, then some sushi and outlet shopping. Her husband is also in another unit so he's sticking around but when they move into their place they'll only be 15 mins away from me.

Now if only I could find some people who have husbands who are deployed. I love that the other couples try to include me in activities but I just need someone I can call at anytime and just say hey, I'm having a rough day...wanna go to the beach? Of course this also requires said person to be a lady of leisure. There is a serious lack of those women!

Tomorrow is PWOC. I've seriously been waiting for a meeting since we got here. I'm a little afraid that my expectations are too high but I'm just gonna put myself out there and see what happens. I've never actually made a friend through PWOC before so here's hoping for the best.

And the news I'm holding my breath about? No, I'm not pregnant. Life would be too easy if I didn't have to be poked, prodded and cut open for that to happen. I submitted my resume for a possibly non-existent job about 2 months ago. And according to the website, my resume was selected for review a few days ago. There is one federal job that opened up on Friday. So it's a long shot. Personally I think my resume looks pretty dang impressive with my inpatient skills but all it takes is for one veteran to knock me out of the running. It's also not very impressive that I've been unemployed for a year. So please pray that I accept whatever the outcome is.

Now, time to clean my house so when my friend stops by she isn't scared away by my clutter!

Should I stay or should I go?

Everyone knows I've been having a really rough time here. It's only been a week since he left but I feel like it's been months. I finally left the house yesterday. I tried out Zumba and got some real food at the commissary. But all throughout Zumba I just kept thinking to myself...what am I doing here? I have no job, no family, no friends and no support system.

I've never been one to run home during deployments. I always figured, where ever you are that is where your life is now. I could understand going home with kids because it's nice to have babysitters who love your kids as much as you do and to have them spend some time with family. But I just don't know if I can make it here by myself.

The problem with going "home" is that it might not be an option either. I could easily go home and live with my parents but I don't have a NY license and therefore won't be able to work there. As much as I'd like to add 2 more licenses to my resume in a 2 year period and probably break the law because I can't remember which state I'm in, I'm going to have to pass. That leaves Colorado and Texas. I certainly wouldn't mind living in Colorado for a year. But it will be a pain in the butt to find a place that will allow the dogs and comes fully furnished. I probably won't be able to get a job on-post but I have my license there so it's not a big deal. Plus I still know people there.

Then there's Texas. I have a bunch friends there and a lot of their husbands are either deployed or deploying. One has already told me I can live with her until her hubby gets home. And my boss tells me I'm technically still employed. I've been on leave without pay for the past year and all I have to do is start working again.

I'm not even fully unpacked, the thought of moving again makes me sick. I know I need to give it time. I've just never been so miserable before and quite frankly it scares me. I've never felt this way before. I've stopped going to church. I can't even get myself to pray about it. I just need to know that at some point before 365 days passes, I'll feel normal again.

I don't know...I'm soo confused...

And it begins...again...

It's been a tough couple of days. I've had a really negative attitude since we got here and no matter how hard I try, I just can't turn it around. Now I'm just starting to get angry.

My day started with me getting lost on the way to the eye doctor. Then the eye doctor tells me that she has concerns about the amount of pressure in my eyes. Glaucoma runs on my mom's side of the family and I've actually had the pressure in my eye monitored since I was 16. Then she took some photos of the nerves behind my eyeballs and they are inflamed. So on top of my horrible vision that can almost no longer be corrected by contacts but also disqualifies me for lasik or prk, we're gonna add a glaucoma watch. It's not bad enough to need treatment yet but I have to go back in for a follow up to make sure it's not getting worse. Even with contacts and glasses the best my vision can be is 20/30.

I tried to run some errands afterwards but realized I couldn't drive with my eyes dilated. That made for a scary 20 minute drive home. I get home and notice there's dog poop on my front lawn...again. Everyday that we've been here I've had to pick up my dogs' poop in the backyard and someone else's dog's poop in the front. Our neighbor across the street always lets his little dog roam around my lawn with no leash. I've never seen him poop on our lawn but he certainly pees on every part of it he can. I'm pretty non-confrontational. I don't like to cause trouble. I don't like to make a big fuss but today was the wrong day to mess with me. So I look out the door and look who's on my lawn again. The old guy was sitting by his garage watching so I marched myself over there and asked him if he could clean up after his dog. He wasn't very friendly but he wasn't mean about it. He simply told me his dog never poops on my lawn and if he were to, he would pick it up. He said it's been a problem in the neighborhood. Someone on the street is letting their dogs out at night and in the morning there is poop everywhere including his lawn. I don't know if I believe him or not but at least I got it off my chest. Problem not solved...

I have also realized over the course of 2 weeks that we've been living here that we live on the hottest/driest part of the island. I break out in a sweat every day even if I do absolutely nothing. I have to water the lawn every day or it will die. The dogs are not allowed (even on leash) in any of the parks near us. And best of all...no one lives near me! I live where all the locals live. The locals who hate the military.

Does anyone know how much energy it takes to be this negative all the time? The plus side? I spend so much time and energy being bitter that I have no problems sleeping. How am I going to get through this year? And what kind of person will I be when it's all over?

it's like the first time

Deployment that is. I remember the first deployment. Back when we were all so innocent, not knowing what to expect, and trying to find our way in the army world. But I had a great group of friends that helped me with each step of the way. God blessed me with another great group of friends for the second one. Now I just feel lost.

He leaves soon...too soon. We're still living in a hotel. Our stuff isn't here. All the people I knew that were going to experience this next deployment with me have been diverted. I have no FRG, no coffee. None of the people hubby works with are married. My neighborhood is made up of locals that don't understand the military life. I can't find a church that has people my age.

I feel like everything is crashing in on me and I can't breathe. I don't even understand the stupid structure of the unit we're with.

For now, I just have to enjoy the time we have...